Surviving the Side Hustle

E109 - From Quietly Questioning to Confidently Curious: Zerina's Journey to Self-Discovery

• Coach Rob • Season 1 • Episode 109

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What happens when professional success leaves you feeling empty inside? For many high-achieving women, the path to external validation often leads away from their authentic selves. In this deeply insightful conversation, self-discovery expert and certified life coach Zerina Derveni shares her transformative journey from corporate success to helping others reconnect with their true identity.

Zerina's story will resonate with anyone who's ever heard that nagging inner voice asking "is this really all there is?" After building an impressive career across multiple industries, she couldn't ignore the persistent feeling that something was missing. This awakening led her through what she now identifies as the three crucial phases of self-discovery: awakening (questioning your path), unlearning (breaking free from old patterns), and exploration (experiencing life with a fresh perspective).

What makes this episode particularly valuable is Zerina's practical definition of authenticity. She cuts through the buzzwords to explain that self-discovery means "getting to a state where you're actually being versus doing." It's about understanding who you are at your core when you remove all external achievements and influences – who you truly are when no one is watching.

For listeners struggling with their own identity questions, Zerina offers powerful insights on why we struggle to be authentic (constant information overload), how our values evolve over time, and why mastering the communication of your needs might be the single most important skill for personal and professional success. Her approach blends compassionate understanding with strategic insight, focusing on building strengths rather than fixating on weaknesses.

Whether you're feeling stuck in your career, questioning your path, or simply curious about living more authentically, this conversation provides both the inspiration and practical guidance to begin your own journey of self-discovery. Ready to stop performing and start being? Listen now, and take the first step toward reconnecting with your authentic self.

Speaker 1:

What's up, guys, and welcome back to another episode of Surviving the Side Hustle. I'm really excited for you guys to listen in on this week's episode because on today's show we have Zarina Dervini, and I'm excited because she is a self-discovery expert and certified life coach who's dedicated to helping high-achieving women reconnect with their authentic selves and build purpose-driven lives. With over a decade of experience in executive consulting and coaching, zarina blends strategic insight with transformational tools to guide women through personal and professional breakthroughs. Zarina, thank you so much for taking the time to come on today and welcome to Surviving the Side Hustle.

Speaker 2:

Thanks for having me, Rob. I'm excited to be here.

Speaker 1:

Awesome, yeah. So I would love to kind of dive right in because I'm excited to learn about you, where you get to. I understand you're working with a lot of high achieving women. Where did this whole journey kind of kick off? How did you get into coaching and consulting and all of the above?

Speaker 2:

Yeah. So I guess it started like most millennials. We were all encouraged to go to school and get a good paying job. So that was kind of my journey. I had studied law and business and a bit of corporate communication in school and then started my first big job in my early 20s. And the moment I started I remember having this inner voice telling me like is this really going to be your life? Like you're going to be that nine to five person, like putting in obviously more hours if you want to do well. But you know, when you're so young you're not really sure how to listen to your intuition. So I kind of just dove in and did really well and in my first job I was able to reach some milestones, get in the eyes of the executives and started growing rapidly and then from there transition into a new career At the moment at that time sorry I was working for a Newswire company that was national and then moved into a luxury concierge service company where I was working with financial institutions and providing a luxury concierge through the company I was working for for their high net worth members.

Speaker 2:

So did really well there grew, even started my own department in strategic consulting and that went really well. And then that inner voice started again and it was like okay, is this all that you know have to offer? Is this like what life is about? I think at that time I had gained confidence and I had proven results that I was able to do well, but I think I wasn't sure what I wanted to do. Like most people, right, you have this idea that you want to do more, but you're not clear what that more really means. So you know, this was during COVID time. The industry I was working for took a hit, obviously during COVID, with travel and dining and all those luxury services being down.

Speaker 2:

Then I transitioned into my third career, which was, for me, one of my favorites to date, and worked for a SaaS startup company in loyalty currency, so did really well there too, and at that time signed on a really high profile client and that voice came back and then I said, okay, no more, this has to stop. But it started. Every time I hit that two-year mark I would get that voice coming, and even in my sleep it was talking to me. So I started to do some self-discovery work. I started listening to actually a lot of podcasts with coaches and I even did a Tony Robbins seminar. So I was serious. I mean, that's a pretty big investment. I was like, you know, something's got to happen and I needed support and I needed to figure out my way.

Speaker 2:

And then, you know, throughout life I do want to mention I was always kind of the coach, with friends, family, even at work. So I think it was always a part of me, that was natural. I just didn't know how I could monetize off that. That never kind of clicked in my head.

Speaker 2:

But then, you know, after listening to podcasts, reading books, this aha moment happened and I kind of wanted to do the same thing that I was struggling with. And it's helping high achieving women really understand what their self identity is truly like. Take away all the noise, take away all this state of performance where you're just kind of doing stuff and getting real and being authentic. So that's how I started my journey. I sat on it for six months and then, after I was still sure, I decided to take the leap and leave all the hard work and security that I had done to date to pursue and open my own coaching boutique. And then here I am, years later and honestly, never been happier but never worked harder in my life that I have now, so it's been exciting.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, it's definitely terrifying at certain times and also very rewarding and exciting when you do take that leap and I got to admire you for diving in and just kind of jumping into it and learning kind of. Do take that leap and I got to admire you for diving in and just kind of jumping into it and learning kind of as you were going. And I'm interested to kind of dive into a little bit more, to kind of hear about your self journey for that, because I know I was in a similar situation where I was kind of starting to shift career kind of moves and I like I was a strength and conditioning in my first career and then I decided I was moving and there's more to just life, dance squats and deadlifts. So I was like, all right, I want to do something but I'm still on. I'm definitely going to be a coach. I didn't know where I was going so I had to go on my own journey and I'm interested to hear about yours. Where did that kind of kick off?

Speaker 2:

Yeah. So it's interesting now that I teach it and I can look back and see the phases of my journey. So I think most of us that are thinking or having that narrative in our head saying is this all or could there be more? What do I do next? That's what I call the awakening phase. So that's when you're starting to question things and you're starting to feel some sort of misalignment. But unfortunately in this day and age, like we don't have always the time or we don't have the tools to really step back and understand in that awakening phase what that really means. And most of us will, you know, acknowledge it but then move forward and just not really go deep in it.

Speaker 2:

So what I suggest and where I felt when I was in my previous awakening stages, is going to the next stage, which is unlearning. So pretty much it's stepping back, it's having that self-awareness, it's having that real conversation with yourself of what it is that you really want, what is your value system? Right? I think a lot of times I thought I knew what I valued, but doing the work and actually going through a whole value system exercise, I didn't really understand what I really valued.

Speaker 2:

I think in my first decade in my career, my 20s I was chasing significance right. I just wanted to get like, reach those milestones, get those status validation and get money right, I think like most of us. But I wasn't understanding really that you know that significance eventually would burn me out and it wouldn't really fulfill a truer purpose. So I had to go and really unlearn and I think that's how I started. My next transition into self-discovery is going through the unlearning stage. Subconsciously, you know, our mind is in the subconscious mindset 95% of the time. So you're repeating old patterns, old emotions and all that and you're not really using that rational thought. So the unlearning does require the conscious and rational thought and that's how I was able to break free and really take the next step by unlearning old behaviors and really questioning my values and my beliefs to get to the third stage, which is exploration, and that's when you start really looking into and experiencing newer things with a newer mindset.

Speaker 1:

That's very, very cool, like structure and flow. You have there the exploration and having to, before getting there, the unlearning, because that is that's got to be pretty difficult for a lot of people because you got to break those habits, you got to set those foundations and I'm interested to kind of dive into a little bit more with that for you. But before we kind of dive too deep in, I got to ask you like what actually is self-discovery? Because I just totally went over my head, because I'm like, oh yeah, I understand it's kind of like diving into learning a little bit more about myself, but I want to know what's your definition of self-discovery?

Speaker 2:

So for me, self-discovery is getting to a state where you're actually being versus doing. So it's who you are. Take away everything around you, take away everything that you've achieved to date. It's truly at the core who you are and it's, in my viewpoint, it's actually tapping into your core strengths, right, your core belief system. So it does take time to get there truly.

Speaker 2:

And we hear the word authentic a lot and I feel like it's kind of always being thrown out there. But what does it really mean to be authentic? And ironically, you know, I have clients who really aspire to be authentic and we work on an exercise and then they come back and say, well, so-and-so said this. I'm like, yeah, but being authentic doesn't matter what people say, right, it's truly to your core. So it's really learning the core definitions of words and self-identity.

Speaker 2:

And to me, is really who you are at your core, removing everything around you, so removing your successes, removing people around you. It's who you are when no one's watching and it's getting to that state more often in your personal and your professional life and it's really tapping into that. So you're not in the state of performing. And I say when I say performing, I don't mean skillset, performing is just doing right, like sometimes we know what we need to do to get to point B, and it's about not being in that state by default. It's actually being in a state of who you truly are, at your core.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I mean I love that and I think that's very powerful to kind of figure those things out. But I got to ask you like, why do you think so many people struggle to be their authentic selves?

Speaker 2:

Because you are you? So I feel like everybody should know who you are and at the same time, I definitely didn't know who I was. And I feel like social media, right, I think we're programmed and our brain is a mastermind of its own. Like we think we can control our brain, but we really can't. So it's absorbing all this information around us 24-7. And it's something that, even though I've become an expert at self-discovery, I still struggle sometimes, because I know what I need to do or how I need to act to get to point B and I have to question myself and say, well, hold on, is this really the identity you want to portray? Can you really withstand that for a while? Because once you show a certain side of yourself, you have to almost perform that right Throughout the whole, let's say, duration of a relationship or a project. So it's really peeling back and asking yourself the raw question is this really who you are at your core? So people struggle with that.

Speaker 2:

I think, for instance, like just what's around us and our brain is absorbing so much information, like I mentioned, through social media that's a big one, you know in the news and just around us, right, our environment, we're absorbing everything. So that's one area. Two, I think a lot of us don't have the tools to be able to really understand. You know how important our self-identity is. To me it's kind of like once you learn your true core self-identity, decision-making becomes easier. Everything around you starts to change not drastically and right away. It is a slow burn to true success. However, once you really understand the opportunities, the people you start attracting will shift. It will be different. And then to me it's just basically living a life of more fulfillment, right and naturally. The achievements, the acknowledgements. They will come naturally, versus you chasing them by just being yourself.

Speaker 1:

So I have a question for you With your coaching and all the clients and individuals you've worked with and seen, and maybe in your own experience too, have you found it? Is it possible to change your authentic self? Because if you're, you're doing all this like self-discovery and you might not be like, oh man, I wish I was a little bit more blah, blah, blah, blah. Is it possible to kind of change your authentic self, or is that like boom, that's it. You got to be happy with how you are, kind of thing?

Speaker 2:

That's such a good question. So I think as humans, we always evolve, right, and with with involvement comes change. So my level of consciousness today is so different than it was six months ago. So I do encourage people to know that who you are, like your authentic self, will continue to evolve. That's okay.

Speaker 2:

And the things that really remain important to you, like, for example, like I value growth right, that's one of my top three values. I also value connection right, that's one of my top three values. I also value connection and my first value is contribution, so providing value, being a service. So that can remain. It's remained for several years to this day. But eventually, like something else might be my first value, based on where my experiences are, where I am at that moment in life and you evolve. But once you learn the tools and once you practice that muscle of understanding yourself at your core, that involvement becomes easier, you're accepted easier and it just kind of integrates as part of you. That it's not a drastic change. It just becomes someone who you are and me, being someone who values growth, I know I'm going to continue to grow and evolve as a human one who values growth.

Speaker 1:

I know I'm going to continue to grow and evolve as a human. Yeah, Unfortunately, with growth and evolution, it's usually some discomfort and some obstacles and challenges. When your journey, when you were kind of diving into all of this, did you have any hiccups in the road or was it kind of like a smooth sailing journey on self-discovery?

Speaker 2:

It was messy. It was messy so, as I was going through my self-discovery journey professionally, I was also going through it in a relationship, so you can imagine it was chaotic. But you know, you often hear you need to go through the mess to experience true growth. And I hated hearing that at that time, because when you are an intelligent person, you think you somehow have a superpower to bypass that, but you don't. You have to go through it and that's why I teach intelligent women or sorry, that's why I coach intelligent women, because I know what their brain is thinking and I can be there and guide them in a way that's effective for them.

Speaker 2:

But it was messy, it was confusing. I promised myself that the next decision I would make for myself professionally it would come from me, and that's why I kind of stayed with that idea of wanting to be a coach for six months to myself before I shared it, because it had to be something I truly believed, because once you really believe something, you go for it. You don't care what anyone says, but you need to reach that clarity and for me, my journey was making sure that I didn't have any influence and it was something I truly wanted to my core and it was tapping into my intuition. So it was messy, though, rob, it was messy, a lot of late nights, yeah.

Speaker 1:

I'm glad you stuck with it and you worked through it and I appreciate all the impact and change that you're doing and providing value. You're providing not only to me on this episode, but also to all your clients and audience and everybody out there. But I am interested. So what does it kind of look like working with you? Is it just a lot of like deep diving into, just like thinking, or like what does it look like to work with you? Or like what does it look like to work with you?

Speaker 2:

Yeah. So it starts with, obviously, what goals you have. Right, there has to be an alignment of something that you know both ways, like you, as a client, feel comfortable working with a coach like me, based on my expertise and even how we are, you know, from a compatible perspective, right? So I have this very much so like reality mindset, with focusing on strengths and getting results. So that's as a coach where I really focus. So I think the skill that I have is I have the ability to see reality and relate it back with compassion, because I don't want my clients to be living in this life of fluff or this life where they're not maximizing their potential, but also understanding that their journey has to be a compassionate, self-serving journey. I am not there to save them, I'm just there to guide them. So I think that has to really resonate with what a client is looking for. And then on my end, I have to make sure that the goals that they have I'm able to help them through achieve. So there has to be this kind of like interview process both ways that we see a fit Once we start working.

Speaker 2:

I, you know, do a lot of one-on-ones and I do have more of a premium service because I really dive in and help them, whether it's professionally or personally. They'll come to me for a specific problem and then, once we're working through it, we actually start doing, you know, like digging in deeper and uncovering some layers of their identity where you know I'm able to see some of the blind spots just as a person that they have, where they can build more resilience. And another thing that I do really well and I'm so grateful and I've gotten great feedback, is I'm able to see a client's true core skills and I think it also helps, having worked in business and working with so many people, and really help them focus on that, because I don't really believe in working on your weaknesses. I think sure have basic knowledge, but really the energy should be put on your core skills and your core strengths. That way you can really evolve and make something out of that and you'll enjoy your life more when you're at your core strengths.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I love that and throughout this episode so far you've been mentioning and talking about connection specifically with yourself and with your clients. You have to have that strong level of connection and that's something that I've kind of been researching, studying, reading a whole bunch about this past year to about almost two years. I guess I would say just how powerful it is to really connect and not just communicate and not just talk to people, but actually connect with them. So, talking, going back to the kind of flow of things you were saying, how there's the awareness and the unlearning and then the exploration what is something that somebody might want to, or they should, unlearn around connection for somebody who's looking to kind of get to that next level?

Speaker 2:

That's a really good question, wow. So to build connection I always say this to build connection, if you could master communicating your needs, you will be winning at life honestly and this is both personally and professionally. But master it in a way from an emotional intelligence perspective, not from an IQ perspective. So I think to truly be able to build connection you have to be able to give value and take value, right. I think kind of like a three-dimensional relationship. So hey, rob, I know you value this, I'm going to provide that for you, and then you know I value this, you're going to provide that for me. So I think that's really where a true connection happens, both professionally and personally.

Speaker 2:

But I think one thing that you need to maybe unlearn that I would say has been like a major blind spot for people is this idea of assumptions. So you know, we assume things. We as humans, especially when we're adults, we pick up on behaviors, we pick up on communication cues, we think there are hidden messages and there are most of the time right. I'm not saying they're not but to have that idea of assumption is actually something that can backfire in building a true connection and kind of bringing back what I say, if you can master communicating your needs so you avoid assumptions and you get to clarity, you really are going to master so many things at life and don't have to work as hard as most people who have that communication issue which, by the way, I still do have right, so I'm still working on that. It's something that you really need to just keep practicing and getting comfortable with.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I love that because my mentor and I'm in. I teach a lot of communication, conflict resolution and navigating power dynamics and a lot of times I would say literally most of the time miscommunication ends up being like the baseline. If you go in understanding that there's going to be some degree of miscommunication, expectations aren't going to be met, and having false expectations is really where things kind of fall apart and then that really ruins the ability to connect because people do fall into that assumption mode and then, like you said, we're looking for patterns, we're trying to follow patterns. We feel trusted when patterns follow through and if someone's not following a pattern or a perceived pattern, then that makes it much harder to connect. So I really love that you brought that up there and you shared that, so that's powerful stuff.

Speaker 2:

Thank you, yeah, and just to add on to that, because I think this is a really good question, I've had clients come to me to get support because they've had very difficult bosses or leaders in our organization and they're investing in me by the way, the company's not paying for this and we're working through it and their first goal is like how do I, you know, repair the relationship or make the relationship easier so they can have obviously an easier day-to-day life working for them?

Speaker 2:

And the moment we start talking about you know certain things that they can do to communicate, they fear, they fear up, they get so scared and I always say, like you know, communication is not necessarily to fear confrontation. Confrontation really is just a dialogue. So, just going in there and saying, hey, you know what? I'm finding it really hard to understand what you're asking of me. Do you mind if we sit down and just get some clarity, just as simple as that? Right, you're using your emotional intelligence versus he was short with me, so he doesn't like me, I'm just going to leave. So it's fascinating being able to communicate your needs, really.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, oh my gosh, and that's a powerful tube, that you're working with individuals in other organizations too, because now you're helping them and, like the business is going to benefit from that too, just from the increased communication and being able to connect and understanding and communicate more effectively. So that's powerful stuff. So applaud you for the work that you're doing there. That's great stuff. But I'd like to hear maybe a little bit more because you shared a bit here on how you kind of connect and how you're helping others connect. How do you keep yourself aware, I guess I should say, because there's always areas that we need to kind of circle back to and work on ourselves.

Speaker 1:

You mentioned earlier that there's things that you share with yourself and then you kind of re-coach through yourself. You were coaching yourself before you went out to the public. How do you juggle the different areas that you need to kind of like stay on top of? Because I know with myself, with my coaching, I've got six different principles that I try to teach to everybody, and oftentimes I have to lead in and pay more attention to one and then I have to revisit the past and be like, oh, it's time for me to go back to principle number one. I got to start to challenge myself a little bit more, and vice versa. So, for you personally, how do you check in with yourself, or how do you keep yourself showing up at the best version as yourself, I guess?

Speaker 2:

Yeah, it's actually a very good question and I think I'm still kind of figuring it out in my journey right now. But I find where my expertise lie really it's that self-discovery piece, right. So I'm constantly, and every week I'll dedicate a certain hours to just learning more about it, learning the best practices. I'm currently right now, being certified as a brain coach and it doesn't really change my title or anything more, but it's digging deeper into the subconscious and conscious mind so I can continue to evolve my coaching Right now. Again, keep in mind, I'm working with very intelligent women, so just you know, bringing into awareness some things, it's not easy for them to shift that mindset. I got to go and bring in some facts while still touching on that emotional piece. So I think for me, early on I wasn't really sure where my main focus should be, because life coach is a little bit broad and even I was a bit scared going in and getting into a niche. But I figured that self-discovery is something that I've struggled with. I've overcome it. Really, like the rawness of it I couldn't really find much detail out there, in, in, in, in, believe it or not. In other coaches it was very fluffy stuff and I was like I don't want to do that. I want to get real, I want to get raw, I want to be able to provide results and help these women who are actually struggling.

Speaker 2:

So I I'm constantly learning more about a topic that I think I've. I know most of it. It surprises me every week while I'm continuing to advance it. But I do it more for myself. I don't bring it into my coaching right away. It takes time to bring in certain concepts that I've tested out and once I've tested it out and I feel like it's efficient, I will introduce it. But in Life Coach I'm dealing anywhere from executive coaching to relationship coaching, to personal development, to self-identity. So it's picking certain patterns that are all kind of common, of your just identity, and communication is a part of it. Communicating your needs, being able to make decisions all kind of goes down to being in alignment with who you are. They're just different topics that I just sometimes switch, but the process seems to be the same so far.

Speaker 1:

So you do work with a lot of high achieving, highly intelligent women who do have it all together kind of professionally. Do you see them oftentimes like when they're all put together and they have that successful all together, kind of look, how do you know that they're kind of struggling with relationships or they're with themselves and others? And how do you because it's easy to kind of put yourself into that situation like, yeah, I'm successful on paper, I don't need any help, because I've been there and I think you shared earlier that you were in a similar situation where you have that success on paper but you're still lacking that more. How do you, how do they know when it's time to come and talk to you that they need your help?

Speaker 2:

Yeah, so I usually get clients who are feeling lost or stuck. So they're in that awakening phase that we talked about. Very few times have I gotten someone who's just curious, who just wants to evolve. That's not usually the clientele that will come to me. I wish more of them came because they could avoid maybe the next chapter or season of their life when they are struggling. So usually they're feeling lost or stuck and they'll come talk to me and it's about a specific situation. That's what's gotten them to come speak to a life coach. However, once we start talking, there is a series of pattern.

Speaker 2:

Now, when I meet someone, I think I told you one of my skills just natural skills is being able to see reality and refer to it with compassion or express it back with compassion, so you can put in front of me the most perfect person.

Speaker 2:

I already know what areas to dig in to talk about, where I can see they are actually not happy and talk about it Again. This is all in a compassionate way, because a lot of people are communicating from a subconscious level. I don't think they're there trying to trick me or make me feel anything like their life is perfect. It's really what they believe at that time. So it's using the certain practice that I have where it's like getting to the truth, and I've been there. I've been there On the outside it looks perfect On the inside. I know it's a mess, it's crazy, or you're just trying to keep up being there and I think sharing my story helps people kind of loosen up and understand. Okay, yes, you finally understand it, you get it, and I think it's having experienced that and been through it myself, yeah, yeah, I mean this powerful stuff.

Speaker 1:

And yeah, it's usually when something does kind of start to get stalled out and when people do kind of fall into it, and so I appreciate the work that you're doing and the help that you're helping deliver to everybody. So it's really impactful stuff. And so if somebody is here listening today and they're interested and they're kind of going through that awakening phase and they're interested in more, what's the best place for people to reach out to you if you are taking on new clients? That is, how do they stay in touch with you or up to date with what you've got going on?

Speaker 2:

Yeah, so I can be reached out on my website. Actually, there's a contact form there. I don't have a direct email or line right now, just until we go through some of the questionnaires, but if you go to wwwzerinalifecoachcom and go into the contact section, you can go there and kind of select an area where you'd like to talk more about and we do a discovery call. So those calls are free, they're complimentary to the clients and it's really for us to understand, like you know, what the client is struggling with at the moment, and can I, as a coach, help them? And if so, would we take it to the next phase?

Speaker 1:

Wow, so the discovery call is free and you're kind of diving in with it. Yes, yeah, awesome, wow, and could you repeat the website again?

Speaker 2:

Sure it, wow, and could you repeat the?

Speaker 1:

website again. Sure, it's wwwzerenacom. No-transcript. So I really do appreciate that and the time. But before I let you go, I got to ask you if you were to boil all the lessons you've learned through your life and different experiences and the tips and tricks and strategies that you are currently using and implementing with a lot of clients, and you were to pick probably the most important or most valuable piece of information to share with a younger version of yourself. What would that advice be?

Speaker 2:

Wow, I think it would probably be what I said earlier If you can communicate your needs in an emotional, intelligent way, you will go so far in life, and I have to stand by that because I think it's a really big lesson that I wish more people knew, the positive impact of it and it really does tie down to emotional intelligence and being able to understand your emotions and the emotions of others.

Speaker 1:

Wow, I love that because I mean I'm going to butcher the quote, but it reminds me of the quote that's saying, like, if you can concisely and clearly write down the problem that you have, then it's a problem 50% solved already, or something like that. So I think you hit the nail on the head with that, like, just being able to communicate what you need is so important. So really appreciate you sharing that. Thank you so much, and thank you again so much for taking the time today. I really appreciate this episode. This is going to be a powerful one. I'm going to listen back myself a lot, and I know a couple of listeners, too, are going to do the same.

Speaker 2:

Thank you so much, rob. I really appreciate it and I've enjoyed our conversation.

Speaker 1:

We'll have to chat again soon.